All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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