They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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