I accidentally burped into my bong.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
