Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
