I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
