She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Someone signed my nipple.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
