It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
