Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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