Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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