Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
