hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
