i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
