oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
