I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.