absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.