you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
