i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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