I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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