Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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