woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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