I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
