I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
