I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
