just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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