Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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