the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
