I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
