my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
