if only i could text you this smell
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
