My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
