Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
