Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
