how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
