My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
