Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You pole danced in your parka.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
