i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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