I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
