well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
