I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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