he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
