i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
