woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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