just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
