I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
