"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
