Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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