oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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