there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
