Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize