So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Randomize
