This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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