Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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