this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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