Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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