im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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