Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
