I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
