Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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