There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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