6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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